here comes the dyke... all dressed in white...

10 September 2002

Oh, man. It's less than two (@!@#!!!!) weeks until Cyn and I take the plunge. Yes, we are taking the biggest step we can take in our relationship, the one that signifies our true committment to each other more than any other, the one that shows our love to the world. We... are getting a joint checking account.

Okay, just kidding about the checking account thing. (We've already done that.) With two weeks until the wedding, I have to do something to alleviate the freaking-out that I'm already starting to do. I'd be hyperventilating, but I'm too tired, and anyway I have to save some drama for the wedding day, doncha know.

So we got our wedding clothes back from the seamstress today. (I like calling her the seamstress instead of "the tailor" or "the alterations lady". It sounds so... seamy. Ahaha!) "Clothes talk" is boring, so I shall relate this story to you using the Biblical style. Don't worry; it's not in Aramaic or Hebrew or anything.

When we last saw our attire of commitment, they were like unto the swaddling cloths that wrapped Our Lord and Savior, the Holy Baby Jesus. Lo, they hung heavy upon our wretched frames like so many rags from the body of Lazarus before he was resurrected. (Although not quite as stinky.) And we were sore afraid, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

But hark! There appeared unto us a most holy place, known only unto us as "ASAP Alterations". And we did travel unto this place from afar, and we did lay our raiment at the feet of the most holy mistress of ASAP, the Virgin Louise. And we pleaded with her to transform our filthy rags to garments white as snow, through the saving power of her divine sewing machine.

And lo, the divine Louise bade us begone, to return in half a fortnight's time. "I shall transform your garments," she spake, "and make them unlike a potato sack, to hang closely unto your frame, pudgy though ye may be. Go!"

So we departed the land and awaited the Virgin's grace for seven days and seven nights. And on the eighth day, we returned unto the place of "ASAP Alterations" to harken unto her word. And lo! she spake unto us thusly:

"Behold! I have taken thy raiment and transformed it into garments most fearfully and wonderfully made! Take and wear, in remembrance of me."

And we were struck in amazement. Truly, the blessed Virgin Louise had performed a miracle in our sight, for our raiment was tailored to our mortal bodies as thought it were sent from Heaven itself. And our guts were concealed, and our shirt cuffs ended at the wrists, and the crotch of our trousers no longer hung to our knees. And we looked upon all these things, and they were good.

And there was much rejoicing.