the rules of pizza delivery

21 November 1998

I wrote these in January during my very very brief stint working for Papa John's. I was only at PJ's for about three weeks (thank God), but while I was going to college, I delivered pizzas for Domino's for about four years, on and off. During this time I learned some things about pizza delivery and idiotic customers and decided I should record them for posterity.

The Rules of Pizza Delivery
by Marcie

  1. The customer never, EVER knows where s/he lives. If you get directions from the customer, be prepared to drive around town for an hour, lost.

    COROLLARY: If you ask the customer to tell you where their house is on the actual street, since you KNOW how to get to the street already, they will try to give you directions starting from the store driveway.

  2. The customer always lies about what time s/he ordered. ALWAYS. If they ordered 35 minutes ago and they call wanting to know where their pizza is, they will tell you, "I ordered that damn pizza an hour ago and it still hasn't gotten here!" If they ordered an hour ago, it's, "I ordered that damn pizza an hour and forty-five minutes ago and it still hasn't gotten here!"

  3. The ONE time you decide not to call ahead to the customer because you KNOW where their house is, is the one time they will have moved the houses around since the last time you were there (usually last night).

  4. Rich people never tip.

  5. Drunk people tip either very well or not at all. If they tip very well, it's because they have no idea what bill they just gave you. This is the only time you will enjoy delivering to frat houses.

  6. Despite what your money-hungry manager tells you, college students are NOT your friends. They're obnoxious and rude, which would be fine, except they don't tip either.

  7. Never EVER say something like, "Wow, it's really dead tonight." You WILL get absolutely killed within ten minutes, even if it's right before closing time on a Tuesday.

  8. Being robbed at gunpoint clears the mind wonderfully.